This Title is Hard to Swallow

When Dan and I were first married everyone was telling us to wait a year to have children and to get to know each other first.

I mean we just got married so clearly we know nothing about each other. We are still ignorantly thinking the other is perfection.

After visting my brother and meeting his fresh, new, nonjudgmental, non-damaged, baby, Dan and I knew we wanted kids right away. So we decided to start our little family.

Lucky for us, while on our honeymoon I got this HORRIBLE bladder infection. It was so painful I could not walk and I ended up going to the ER.

Now why is that lucky? Because when I was put on antibiotics for the infection it canceled out my birth control and BAM! We were pregnant with a honeymoon baby.

We both were jumping for joy and so happy to not even have to wait to become pregnant. But… almost 3 weeks later to the day I ended up getting deathly sick for about 6 months. I couldn’t eat or drink. I coudn’t even swallow my spit. I know Ewe! (Insert Jimmy Fallon) I was picc line fed every night for 14 hours, I had an in-home nurse, and there were several trips to the E.R., with very little to no showering. At that point I packed up the “honeymoon stage”, puked, and sent it packing.

Normally when your spouse has to wipe your butt you’re well into your 90’s. Unless you have some other arrangement and then to each their own. (shrug) You have had the time to grow and have some chidren. I would have never guessed Dan would be wiping my butt before one of our kids. Just saying. The romance is now dead.

To say our marriage was strained is an understatement. I would have moved out if I had a stable home or any home for that matter to go to. My dad was just sentenced to 4 years in prison and my mom had just moved in with her mom. I absolutely didn’t see it at the time, but now I see that, that “problem” was a blessing. I had to stay and deal with the strains of our marriage. The strain of becoming severly sick and a non-existent human being.

After Ezekiel was born our relationship started to attempt to crawl out of the vomit I burried it in and clean itself off. Except I did something crazier then Kanye West going gospel, I got pregnant AGAIN!! Now I am not saying Zara was an accident because she was not. But! I was nursing full time a 4 month old baby! Yes, you can get pregnant while nursing full time. Luckily I wasn’t as sick with her but I did get deathly sick with the next 2. All my boys about took me out. The girls made me sick but spared Dan wiping my butt.

You can only imagine that our marriage needed some tender loving care and the memory swiper from Men in Black. We both had our views of what happened. I was holding resentment at what I felt was unfair treatment. He was frustrated with his brand new shiny wife becoming sick and lets be honest probably a little peaved for having to wipe my butt. I wasn’t exactly sure how to come back from that but I knew I was going to try.

I was then introduced to a book written by Dr. Laura called, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. I know ladies the title alone makes you want to find the nearest husband and punch him in the face. I can’t remember who introduced me to it but I am glad they did.

As I started reading it my death grip loosened a bit and I found myself nodding in agreement. I started thinking, this is genius!!! and so is Dr. Laura!

The book title is a guise to get men to think it’s about proper care and feeding of them, but what it really is are tricks and tips on how to get your husband to do exactly what you want!! It only takes a few statements and gestures to have your husband putty in your hands.

For example, when they walk through the door from work you say, “Hello, how was your day?” Bam!! That’s it!! Mind blowing crap like that all through the book! OR, Let them sit down and take a minute before telling them how you want to adopt out the kids. I did this with my husband and it totally worked! He started seeing that I was trying to put him first and caring about his feelings. Then the darnedest thing happened, he started doing the same exact thing for me!

Then it became habit for both of us.

I am not saying that all our problems stopped with Dr. Laura and I now send her a Christmas card every year. But it helped me to realize that if I want a change in my marriage, it has to start with me. I have to swallow my pride and read the book with a title that could kill a feminist right where she stands. If you can’t read the feminist killing titled book that could potentially help your marriage, then I am going to go out on a limb and say, that is why your marriage is hurting. Pride. What is the end goal you want to have? To win? Or to have a healthy, thriving marriage?