Here is another rough draft piece from the book I am writing. One of my most cherished life changing memories.
…The doctors “asked” my brother yes or no to a question that would determine whether he lived or died. They received his answer with him blinking his one eye that wasn’t swollen. One blink for yes and two blinks for no. The question was whether he wanted to stay on life support or be taken off life support. They asked him this question 3 times, my mom and I were not permitted in the room while this questioning was happening. I can’t even imagine the terror my brother must have felt at that moment. Just hours before everyone was trying to keep him alive and now they’re asking him if he wants to die. The doctors told us that once, he said he wanted to stay on life support but twice, he said he wanted to be taken off.
He said yes once?
How can we even make this decision now?
In the movies when someone is removed from life support they seem to pass fairly quickly. It seems peaceful and they fall asleep and their heart stops. This was not the case. It took close to three days for my brother to pass away. His organs were healthy and fully functioning. He was young and should have had a long life ahead of him. He was trying to breath but couldn’t keep up with what his body needed to function. I remember his breathing was so loud. His body fought and did all it could to keep up. He was on high doses of pain killer so we didn’t get to interact with him much towards the end. I think my mom and I were both hoping that a mircle would happen and he would start breathing on his own after being taken off. I started to beg God to let him live. I remember putting my head down and frantically talking and asking over and over again for him to live. I was crying and begging non stop and then what I heard next caused me to freeze and I couldn’t think of anything else, I heard, “You need to stop praying for him to live and you need to start praying for you and your mom to get through his death.” I quickly realized I was praying for the wrong thing. This was God’s will and I was not going to change it. This was my brothers journey and his ending was not my choice. Towards the end of my brother’s life he was mad at God and cursed Him. My brother felt like he was dealt a horrible hand and blamed God for all his hardships. He also felt that anytime something good happened to him something bad was there to always take it away. He didn’t feel like he could ever catch a break.
Listening to him struggle to breath made the days long and painful. We had to sit and watch and we could do nothing to help him. It was so mentally destroying. On the last day, I was praying in my brothers room, head down crying. This time I was praying for my mom to get through this loss. While my head was down I had this amazing, comforting, powerful feeling surround me. It wasn’t in me, it was around me. I heard the words, “We are here for him” I felt like if I lifted my head I would have seen a heavenly being but my mind was thinking, out of respect I will keep my head bowed. I remember whispering to my mom, “Do you feel that?” She was fully consumed in her own prayers so I don’t even think she heard me. I know that even though my brother could not verbally communicate with my mom or I, I know he was talking to God. He was asking for forgiveness and repenting. He turned to God in that lonely, painful time of need. God was the only one who knew what he was going through. Even though my brother had cursed God and blamed Him, God was still watching over my brother. God does not let anyone die alone. My brother had to go through a tragic death to live again. My brother went with God that day and my testimony went from strong to indestructible.