I am a mother and a wife. I am creative, talented, smart, and loyal.
I never feel good enough. I have a hard time keeping up with everything.
I worry I will never be happy. I worry that my husband and kids all hate me.
My marriage has been very bumpy from the start. It seems like if it is ok for a little bit I have to be prepared for a big fall. The ups are less than the downs. I have contemplated divorce a lot.
We have tried counseling many times. I have read books on marriage. I have tried bettering myself.
I sometimes feel like no one has been as unsuccessful in their marriage as I have. Yes, everyone has trials in their marriages, but I feel like it has been one big never ending trial. I feel like everyone else has picture perfect marriages. They all look so happy.
My mom was my dad’s second marriage. His ex-wife was excommunicated from the church. She had live in boyfriends that did things to my oldest half-brother. My half-brother then sexually abused my brother, sister, and I. My parents and I didn’t understand each other. My dad sometimes hit me. I remember hiding bruises from my friends. My siblings didn’t like me. I couldn’t wait to move out. I was close to God, but that was it. I thought about suicide. My brother attempted suicide and moved out to a youth home for help. I got married at age 20. My husband and I fought a lot. I was considering a divorce when I found out I was pregnant with our oldest. Our relationship has bordered on abusive on and off. I have thought about leaving many times. My husband had an emotional affair with a woman at work. He quit talking to me about anything and would email, text, and Facebook message the woman from work at all hours of the day. I was seriously contemplating suicide. Then, my oldest full brother committed suicide. I had recently had our youngest child. It was hard to grieve. I blamed myself for his death because I had ignored several promptings to call and tell him Heavenly Father loved him. My youngest had an accident and fell and hurt himself at a memorial for my brother. The doctors said our youngest was ok, but it woke me up from grieving and I started to focus more on my kids again. Recently our youngest was diagnosed with high functioning Autism among other things. I can’t help feeling guilty and wonder if it is due to his fall. I still struggle with thoughts of suicide.
I feel very alone. My kids prefer their father because he is the fun parent. I am an introvert and not good with people. My husband is charismatic and well liked. I think in a different way than most people and find it hard to make close friends. I prefer one on one friendships and avoid large groups. I have made a few close friends, but they have moved and live in different states. I don’t talk to people about my trials because I don’t want people to think less of me, my husband, or my family.
The thing that has helped me the most through all my trials has been a relationship with God. Sometimes it was the only thing keeping me from being completely alone. I have recently lost touch with that relationship and it has only made things worse. Even though it is not easy, I would say that is the most important thing to give time to in your life. Faith is very important in keeping perspective and hope.
I am very blessed. I have a beautiful home, good food, and all my needs met. My husband recently got a job where he is much happier. I have been able to be a stay at home mom and raise my kids. I have great kids and my husband is a good man that loves the Lord (we don’t always get along, but he is a good man.) I do love the gospel and am very grateful for the part it has played in my life.