Her Story #6

I am a mother and a wife.  I am creative, talented, smart, and loyal.
I never feel good enough.  I have a hard time keeping up with everything.  
I worry I will never be happy.  I worry that my husband and kids all hate me.
My marriage has been very bumpy from the start.  It seems like if it is ok for a little bit I have to be prepared for a big fall.  The ups are less than the downs.  I have contemplated divorce a lot.  
We have tried counseling many times.  I have read books on marriage.  I have tried bettering myself.
I sometimes feel like no one has been as unsuccessful in their marriage as I have.  Yes, everyone has trials in their marriages, but I feel like it has been one big never ending trial.  I feel like everyone else has picture perfect marriages.  They all look so happy.
My mom was my dad’s second marriage.  His ex-wife was excommunicated from the church.  She had live in boyfriends that did things to my oldest half-brother.  My half-brother then sexually abused my brother, sister, and I.  My parents and I didn’t understand each other.  My dad sometimes hit me.  I remember hiding bruises from my friends.  My siblings didn’t like me.  I couldn’t wait to move out.  I was close to God, but that was it.  I thought about suicide.  My brother attempted suicide and moved out to a youth home for help.  I got married at age 20.  My husband and I fought a lot.  I was considering a divorce when I found out I was pregnant with our oldest.  Our relationship has bordered on abusive on and off.  I have thought about leaving many times.  My husband had an emotional affair with a woman at work.  He quit talking to me about anything and would email, text, and Facebook message the woman from work at all hours of the day.  I was seriously contemplating suicide.  Then, my oldest full brother committed suicide.  I had recently had our youngest child.  It was hard to grieve.  I blamed myself for his death because I had ignored several promptings to call and tell him Heavenly Father loved him.  My youngest had an accident and fell and hurt himself at a memorial for my brother.  The doctors said our youngest was ok, but it woke me up from grieving and I started to focus more on my kids again.  Recently our youngest was diagnosed with high functioning Autism among other things.  I can’t help feeling guilty and wonder if it is due to his fall.  I still struggle with thoughts of suicide.  
I feel very alone.  My kids prefer their father because he is the fun parent.  I am an introvert and not good with people.  My husband is charismatic and well liked.  I think in a different way than most people and find it hard to make close friends.  I prefer one on one friendships and avoid large groups.  I have made a few close friends, but they have moved and live in different states.  I don’t talk to people about my trials because I don’t want people to think less of me, my husband, or my family.
The thing that has helped me the most through all my trials has been a relationship with God.  Sometimes it was the only thing keeping me from being completely alone.  I have recently lost touch with that relationship and it has only made things worse.  Even though it is not easy, I would say that is the most important thing to give time to in your life.  Faith is very important in keeping perspective and hope.  
I am very blessed.  I have a beautiful home, good food, and all my needs met.  My husband recently got a job where he is much happier.  I have been able to be a stay at home mom and raise my kids.  I have great kids and my husband is a good man that loves the Lord (we don’t always get along, but he is a good man.)  I do love the gospel and am very grateful for the part it has played in my life.

Published by

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s